Liam Rosenior's Chelsea reign could be a brief one. But we will treasure it always for his ageing of men and respecting of balls.
It does rather look like Chelsea are going to once again be on the lookout for another new manager before too long.
It is the history of the Chelsea, of course, but it makes us very sad indeed that Liam Rosenior’s reign now looks doomed to be so short-lived when he’s only scratched the surface of the ageing of men and respecting of balls of which he is clearly so capable.
Rosenior instantly established himself as the apogee of the modern LinkedIn manager, his fondness for guff rendered all the more infuriating/magnificent by the complete lack yet of anything to back up his grandiose pronouncements.
Say what you like – and we do, at length – about your Brendan Rodgerses or your Gareth Southgates or even the Mikel Artetas of this world, but they do at least combine their manager-speak with some manager-achievements.
We do suspect that this is the key reason why Rosenior stands out even above those other heavyweights of the movement. Even Rodgers at his most absurdly Brent-like could point to tangible achievements in a long managerial career. With Rosenior, there really is only the nonsense.
Also, let’s be fair, not even ‘Brentan’ at his most outlandish said anything as batsh*t as the ‘ageing men’ thing.
But if Rosenior’s time in Our League is, as now seems inevitable, indeed to be an all-too-brief one then let us at least retain for posterity his collected works. His philosophy, his vision, his refusal to accept the existence of widely accepted concepts.
We owe it to future generations. Although as Rosenior will tell you, the future doesn’t exist.
Rosenior on: people taking the piss
“This is a great job – I love this job. I am serious in many aspects and demanding in many aspects. Life is too short. You have to enjoy life. You have to be able to laugh at yourself. At the moment, a lot of people in this country have been laughing at me.”
There are glimpses here of a kind of loose Rosenior interpretation on the Lampardian Transition in many ways, and provides further evidence that only the dreariest, only the most relentlessly serious Live, Laugh, Love people you’ve ever met in your life, could ever actually say ‘you have to be able to laugh at yourself’ out loud.
Rosenior on: the paradox of team news leaks
“I’ve not even thought about it. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last time. I’m focused on winning the game. These things happen. I’m sure it won’t happen again.”
Rosenior on: the future
“The future doesn’t exist – it only exists once you get there.”
Explains the leaks paradox, in a way.
Rosenior on: team news leaks happening again
“It’s not come from any place of malicious intent to me or to the team. We know where it’s come from, and we’ve dealt with the situation.”
Rosenior on: how his Chelsea appointment will come to be viewed
“I hope in time they’ll say it’s the best decision this club’s ever made.”
This is Rosenior in full David Brent splendour, guard down, mask off and in full flow. This is Rosenior as simply the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met.
Rosenior on: social media
“It doesn’t affect me because I’m too old by about three or four years, I’m not on social media.”
He doesn’t mean LinkedIn, obviously.
Rosenior on: Alejandro Garnacho’s ceiling
“Ceiling is limitless in life.”
This is also why Rosenior’s painting and decorating business was short-lived.
Rosenior on: potential
“Potential for this club is limitless, and I won’t limit limitlessness.”
This is also why Rosenior’s speed awareness course business was short-lived.
Rosenior on: Cole Palmer’s best position
“His best position is on the pitch.”
Rosenior on: huddlegate
“My players made the decision that they wanted to be around the ball, to respect the ball and show unity and leadership.”
Have Chelsea maybe considered disrespecting the ball? Worth a shot?
Rosenior on: notegate
“It doesn’t bother me. The reality is that I have to help this club win matches. If I don’t, if I breathe wrong or sneeze wrong, people will talk about it. It doesn’t affect me. It’s my job to be aware. Am I surprised? No.
“In terms of the game on Tuesday, it completely didn’t go the way we wanted it to.
“Me handing out a note is not a reflection of my message not getting across to the players.”
Yeah, not sure anyone thought it was that deep. People mainly just thought it was funny because you were 8-2 down at the time, mate.
Rosenior on: demanding to speak to the manager
“I didn’t speak to Paul today or his officials. I thought it wasn’t the right thing to do today. But I’ll be speaking to PGMOL.
“I’ll be speaking to the refs and just trying to get an understanding of why that happened today.”
Rosenior on: honesty within the process
“It’s about being open. It’s about seeing where I made mistakes, where we have made mistakes, where we need to improve and having open, honest and challenging conversations to make the process better.
“If you’re not honest, you don’t hold your hands up to mistakes, you’re never going to improve.
“I have made mistakes, I am going to make mistakes, more mistakes.”
Rosenior on: mistakes
“The less mistakes the better.”
Fewer! So put that down for one.
Rosenior on: solutions
“Something needs to change drastically right now.”
This is, on its own, an entirely fair summary of the situation after Chelsea lost 3-0 at Brighton to make it five league defeats in a row without scoring for the first time since 1912. The problem lies in apparently not realising there is one very obvious standout to be that something. HINT: He wears glasses and talks b*llocks.
Rosenior on: the players, pre-Brighton
“The players understand we are all aligned in what we want to achieve.”
Rosenior on: the players, post-Brighton
“But the general attitude, spirit was lacking. Maybe three or four out of the 11 [performed] – that’s nowhere near enough for this club. That’s nowhere near enough. I can’t come out and lie, I’ll tell the truth. That was an unacceptable performance in every area.”
Rosenior on: whether he’s a coach or a manager
“I’m both. Coaching is educating, coaching is wanting to improve players on a technical and tactical level.
“Management is making sure that you have a strong culture, that your players have rules and regulations, and you manage them in the right way. In English, the word ‘manage’, if you split the two words, it’s man (and) age – you’re ageing men.”
The instant classic. Possibly the most extraordinary thing ever said by any human in any language. Brilliant in so many ways, but right at the top of the list – and sometimes, we fear, overlooked: it doesn’t make a lick of sense any way you look at it.
Even if we accept the idea of splitting the word manage in two to get man and age, nobody has ever described or believed the role of a manager to be ‘ageing men’.
It might be that Rosenior is a true visionary, far ahead of the rest of us and doomed never to be understood or appreciated in his own time.
But it really might also be that he simply talks an enormous load of old chuff.
